(in)sanity

sometimes I find myself feeling quite stable in my new routine...adjusted to the monotony that has become almost comforting. routine is very comforting, as is schedule, for they leave little room for doubt and even less for uncertainty. it really is a comfortable existence, and I have little if any to complain about, except for the feeling of solitude and isolation from the actuality of things. but this is actual, this is happening, this is affecting in a way, but spending your entire day thinking and conversing with a select group about these thoughts is very much an isolated reality. but what reality, in a way, is not isolated?

the weeks hurry by, and i feel myself unmoved, and unmoving.

what, really, is the proposito of all this?

i feel myself unbalanced without teaching. when i was teaching, all of my energy was pushed into something I found to be very productive...enriching the minds of others. but now, without teaching, I find myself filled with flojera, and despite having more time to do what is expected of me, i am less productive and lacking ambition. less stress indeed, my muscles have not knotted about my neck like last year, but the limp feeling of flojera seeps into my everyday.

i find myself questioning my happiness, my stimulation, my ambition. ideas have a weight, an importance, an effect, but am i truly cut out for the production of ideas? I feed my ego through interaction with others, through making them feel important and powerful, but I am not very good at making my ideas and myself important and powerful. and i feel i do not want this.

maybe i want to live by educating and empowering others, at getting their voices sturdy and strong. and this to me would not be knocking myself down to push others higher...I feel that maybe this is my ambition, my proposito.

i don't want to speak for others...i want to help them speak for themselves. and herein lies my quandry and my struggle with academia.